Miscellaneous Naruto One-shots
by dakeyras
Summary: Any new short one-shots I write will go in here, most of which will be from the regular Naruto fanfiction subreddit writing prompts. Latest one-shot: Laundry Day
1. WP 5: Neji Nara

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #5 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 4rl8xt). "Any ninja from anywhere is in a different clan from anywhere."_

 _These one-shots are posted in the order I wrote them. Later ones will generally be better than earlier ones, as I practice and gain experience. Also, if you have a prompt you'd like me to write a one-shot for (up to 2k words) let me know, as long as it's not angst, slash or hurt/comfort._

The board flickered through name combinations until it settled on...

 **Neji Nara vs Gaara Sabaku**

The room fell silent. Gaara started walking down to the arena floor, face impassive. Neji's teammates were whispering furiously at him, trying to come up with a strategy or guess at what was in the big gourd Gaara was carrying.

"I forfeit," Neji interrupted. "It's fate that I should not advance further, so why would I bother with a dangerous and exhausting fight?"

* * *

Kidoumaru faced the squad of Konoha genin and chunin that were pursuing Sasuke. The tall one with long dark hair had trapped him in some sort of body bind technique, but his lower pairs of arms were unaffected. He quickly spat out four projectiles and hurled them at the enemy ninja, but his own arms countered him and knocked his lower arms off aim, mimicking perfectly what the enemy who'd trapped him was making his own arms do. The Konoha ninja ran after the rest of the Sound Four – now Sound Two – with only the tall one staying behind to stop him.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

"Neji Nara," came the lazy voice. "And this is a real pain, you know? You're fated to lose, but you won't believe me and we'll have to have an exhausting fight. Can't you just surrender to me, and then we can watch the clouds for a bit, and then I'll escort you to Konoha?" Neji stuck a kunai into the trunk of the tree he was next to, at roughly head height. His lower half was obscured by the undergrowth. "I don't want to have to skulk around and then bait you into a trap, and I'm sure you don't want to die."

Kidoumaru didn't even dignify that with a response. He felt the bind break, and leapt to the side. Glancing down, he spotted the shadow that must have been the cause of the paralysis – of course; the child's name was Nara – and sent out a probing wave of golden weapons. One at the head, one at the neck, three at the torso and one to the side not blocked by a tree, in case the target happened to dodge that way.

Neji silently dropped to the ground on his back, hidden from view by the small cluster of brambles and weeds around him, as the projectiles passed over his head. Wary of a trap, Kidoumaru moved closer at an angle, until it became clear that Neji was looking at the sky, not moving.

With a puff, the clone of Neji disappeared to reveal a wide, deep hole in the ground under where his body had been. Kidoumaru ran in, trying to spot where the tunnel went, when an explosion rocked the ground. Specifically, the ground around the tunnel, the entrance of which had now collapsed.

A sudden motion of the darkness to his left made Kidoumaru leap back and throw another six fistfuls of his golden knives. The shadow withdrew again, occasionally probing forwards and trying to bait out an attack. Where was Neji? The thicket that the shadow was coming out of was too obvious, as were the treetops next to it. Maybe the dense bushes off to the side? Kidoumaru launched another attack at it, but nothing happened. He was fighting at his favourite range, around fifty to a hundred feet.

He stepped back and set up his bow, keeping a careful eye on the shadow, but it had withdrawn again. He was close to the original tunnel now, and decided that it was worth looking for anything the Nara might have left behind. Kidoumaru walked up to the kunai in the tree, then looked down at where the ground was disturbed. He realised something was wrong – if there had been a tunnel, then more of the earth would have fallen inwards. This looked more like a shallow hole had been dug. But then where was –

The kunai on the tree was raised by a hand made of living shadow and plunged into Kidoumaru's head, entering almost to the hilt and instantly dropping him. Neji, who had barely moved the whole time, lowered himself from the tree he'd been hiding in, right over where he'd started the fight.

"Only a fool would explain their plan until after they'd already won. The hole was just bait, and I knew you'd never expect me to stay near where I'd planted the explosives. Plus, I didn't reveal the technique I used for the kill until the very end. After all, it was fate that I would win – I just picked the easiest path."


	2. WP 6: Recursion

_A/N: For Writing Prompt #6 on /r/NarutoFanfiction (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash_ _4sq3fx_ _). "Something or someone besides the Kyuubi is sealed inside Naruto."_

 _Warning, the third part is slightly nsfw (nothing explicit, but, how do they say it? 'Adult themes')_

"I won't let you hurt my precious people!" Naruto shouted, facing down Mizuki. His world had narrowed to just the clearing. Behind him was Iruka, injured and in need of protection. In front of him, the traitor Mizuki, in need of stabbing. Lots of stabbing. Beyond that, branches swayed and undergrowth rustled, but any reinforcements would be from Konoha, so he wouldn't have to worry about being flanked.

He brought his hands together, hoping against hope that the technique he'd learned but not practiced yet would work. The seals felt natural, and he finished the last one a heartbeat before Mizuki's kunai pierced his throat.

In a puff of smoke, he disappeared, and a new Naruto came out of where his stomach had been. It drew a kunai and cut out at Mizuki, drawing blood on the side of his leg. When he struck it through the head, *yet another* Naruto appeared, again from the stomach area.

Iruka wasn't sure if it was the blood loss, but it seemed as though Naruto was creating shadow clones - a high-level jutsu that the dead last of the class should never have managed to learn, let alone in just a few hours!

Naruto stepped back, throwing a handful of shuriken. Mizuki was disoriented enough that two passed through his guard and into his shoulder, spattering bright red drops of blood on the forest floor. He lunged forward and killed Naruto for the third time in the fight, leading to *yet another* puff of smoke, and new Naruto appearing.

Much later, a dead chunin renegade lay before an orange ninja who looked fresh as a daisy. No injuries, no dirt on his clothes – not even out of breath. He formed another set of hand seals, closing the seal on his stomach again, and went over to Iruka. "Let's get you to the hospital. Don't talk, I'll explain on the way."

Naruto carried the near-comatose body of his teacher as he leapt from branch to branch, hoping his makeshift bandage would hold. He tried to distract himself and his cargo from the blood slowly dripping down his back by talking about the earlier fight.

"I couldn't get the shadow clone to work, but I saw a technique that seals a clone into you – except you are the clone. Or something like that, I didn't really understand the explanation. Anyway, you need a special seal, but it turns out I already have one like that. What a random crazy happenstance! So, I just used it when Mizuki attacked me, and whenever I died, the shadow clone sealed in me popped out!"

The Hokage leapt down beside Naruto, motioning for a pair of ANBU to take Iruka to the hospital. "That's a great technique Naruto, but what would have happened if Mizuki had managed to kill all the clones and reach the real you? Isn't it a dangerous technique, because it teaches you to let yourself get killed in exchange for small amounts of damage? How many clones do you have sealed inside you?"

Naruto laughed, and said, "That's the secret, old man. It's shadow clones all the way down!"

* * *

The two chunin candidates faced each other in the arena. Around them, the stands were filled with cheering and screaming people, here to see the very best and brightest face off against each other. The proctor raised his hand, the tension mounted...

"Begin!" The proctor's hand fell and Naruto and Neji both stepped back, forming seals.

Neji used the Byakugan to peer at Naruto. He'd seen Naruto's technique in the preliminary rounds, so he knew a little of what it did, but not how to counter it. Looking into the seal, he saw... another Naruto, with the same seal!?

Frantically he looked down, down, down the endless stream of Narutos, each with the same seal and containing a seemingly endless chain of clones. He heard Naruto step forward, but the clone he was watching didn't move. Neji pulled back, looking up the chain this time. He was feeling dizzy and slightly sick, and couldn't tell which Naruto was the real one any more.

 _Naruto walked over to Neji and, with his left hand, lightly shoved him. Neji fell over, all sense of balance gone._

Neji cancelled the Byakugan, snapping back to reality, just in time to realise that falling over handn't been a bizzare vertigo-induced dream.

"Winner, Naruto Uzumaki!"

* * *

Naruto burst into his home, frantically getting ready for his date. He dressed himself quickly and grabbed some deodorant and a toothbrush, then raced into the bathroom. Looking at the clock, he scowled. No time!

He formed a set of seals, then stabbed himself. After he reappeared in a cloud of smoke, he checked the mirror quickly before sniffing under his arms. Who knew that the jutsu defined 'harm' as everything unwanted that was in or on the body? He didn't even need to use the loo any more!

Naruto went to the date, much calmer now. After he and Sakura had shared a nice meal, they went for a walk along by the river. Soon they were chatting and laughing, and soon after that...

Naruto and Sakura had found a private part of the riverbank and were doing private things there, when Sakura decided it would be an appropriate idea to lightly nip at Naruto's neck. One puff of smoke later, and a calm, composed and clothed Naruto sat on the ground in front of her with a sheepish look on his face.

...and after that, Naruto was very careful to never walk around with his seal accidentally active.


	3. Drabble: Sealing a Kunai

_A/N: Because sometimes, things aren't as straightforward as fix-fics would like them to be. In which Jiraiya teaches Naruto a valuable lesson._

"Naruto, you see this scroll?"

"Yes, perv-sensei!"

"Right. I'm going to seal a kunai into it."

"Why?"

"To teach you something."

"What are you teaching me?"

"If you'd just _shut up_ and listen to me, we could get to that part, ok?"

"Right."

"Now, you see the scroll and kunai next to each other, and now - *poof* - the kunai is sealed away in the storage scroll. You with me so far?"

"Sure, no problem. The kunai is sealed away in the scroll."

"Now, is this a scroll or a kunai?"

"It's a scroll."

"And where's the kunai? Just point to it."

*Naruto points at the scroll*

"Is it there?"

"Yes, that's right. Excellent! You're a fast learner. Now, if this _isn't_ a kunai, where's the kunai?"

"...I don't get it."

"Out of all the things that exist in the world, which is _the most likely_ to be the kunai that I sealed away?"

*Naruto points to the scroll*

"Is it that?"

"Yes! Yes, exactly. Now what do we learn from this?"

"I'm not sure, perv-sensei."

"We learn that sealing is bloody complicated and simple metaphors will get you into trouble _really quickly_!"

"Right!"

"Good job learning for today! Let's go eat dinner!"

"Sounds good to me."


	4. WP 7: Ghosts

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #7 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 4tu5cx). "Somebody sees dead people."_

Warning: unpleasant descriptions of injury and death. This chapter is why I've marked the collection 'M'

* * *

The village of the leaf was nestled in the lee of a cliff, surrounded on the other three sides by pristine forest. The few roads that wound their way under the leafy boughs were the exception to the forest's all-encompassing embrace that proved the rule. The buildings were piled high, reaching upwards instead of sprawling out. Red tile roofs were the main colour visible from above. The other splash of colour in the village was a dark purple, looking like a bruise or stain – a rectangle of decay at the heart of a vibrant creature. And in that wound stood six figures, three facing three.

Hiruzen faced his wayward student, while his clones pinned his two predecessors in place. He shuddered as the Death God's had reached __through__ him and grabbed at Orochimaru. His eyes swam for a moment, and then he could see more clearly than he ever had before.

Ghosts! All around him, walking, floating, flying, dying. The shade of the ANBU who'd tried to enter the barrier was the clearest. Over and over, his last moments replayed while he screamed in fear and pain. Jump, hit the barrier, burn, die. Elsewhere there were fainter spectres; the Sandaime recognized one of them as an infiltrator who'd been discovered and made her last stand nearby. The woman's intestines were spilling out of her stomach in endless coils, and she was trying to stuff them back in while stumbling towards the next roof, only to blink back to where she'd been wounded every few seconds. The two weeks since her death had made her outline faded, like clothes that had been washed too often.

There were also some ghosts who were older still. Hazy outlines and not much more, they drew the eye when they moved but might just as well have been invisible when they were still. A man clawing at his eyes after a chemical attack. A child impaled on a spear. An old woman riddled with shuriken, trying to draw one last desperate breath.

In the half a second it had taken the Hokage to see all this, he'd seized Orochimaru's bare soul with his (borrowed) hand. The icy grip of death was close around him, but he could still feel the strange sensation of cold steel sliding through his torso. He knew, though, with a bone-deep surety, that he wouldn't leave his own shade behind. Where __he__ was going, no-one could see.

"I'm going to do what I should have done all those years ago," Hiruzen Sarutobi forced out past the blood flooding his insides. It was spilling out of his mouth and down his front. Orochimaru's eyes were wild, and looking not at him, and not at the Death God, but at...

Was he watching the ghosts?

"You fool! We'll both die," his erstwhile student hissed. Idly, Hiruzen wondered if the man's snake experiments had affected his vocal chords, or if the speech patterns were intentional.

"That, is the, plan." Talking was becoming harder. The strength was leaving him, but there was one task left for him on this windy rooftop, with birds above him and the sounds of death below. "Do you, __regret__?"

"Madman... look at ghosts. I want to __live__. ****Any price.**** "

Hiruzen chuckled. "Then, flee, not fight." __I lack the strength to seal him. But...__

"I hereby pass punishment. You shall be denied your arms for the rest of your unnatural life," the Third Hokage of Konohagakure said in a voice that, for the last time, sounded out strong and clear. With the downward stroke of the Death God's knife, the decision was made and could not be undone. The dead body, now no more than meat and bones, fell to the ground beside the traitor Sannin's furious form. His arms were decaying before his eyes, flesh rotting and melting away and bones crumbling. The first bloom of pain from the cut would stay with this body for the rest of its life, and the ghosts and ghouls of the dead would accompany his spirit for as long as it remained on this plane. His teacher had managed to pass down one last punishment, one last curse, before slipping away.


	5. WP 11: Teuchi's Secret Ingredient

_A/N: For Writing Prompt #11 on /r/NarutoFanfiction (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 4wyx4l). "A character of your own choice has been switched out with a version of them from another universe (and can be an OC)."_

"Could I have a bowl of pork ramen, please?" the customer asked. He was a rather plain-looking man with black hair in a ponytail and a ninja headband on, with one distinctive feature - a scar over the bridge of his nose.

"Of course," Teuchi said. "Just one moment."

Teuchi Ichiraku was a fat man, as all good cooks invariably are. He had a small paper hat on at all times that seemed to be mere seconds away from escaping his head, where it hid what little hair he had left. His apron was as much a part of him as his limbs, after thirty years of working the same ramen stand with the same uniform.

He was also always smiling, and smiling so hard that his eyes crinkled up and disappeared in little folds. He liked to tell people that that was why his stand was so successful - everyone loves to see a happy face. That was a lie.

Teuchi moved with swiftness and grace, preparing a pork ramen with the skill of a man who'd passed mere muscle memory several decades ago, and could chop and cook everything while asleep or even dead. He hummed as he did so, a cheery tune that carried out onto the street.

"Here you go, one pork ramen! Enjoy it while it's hot!" For a single moment, Teuchi stopped smiling. Two whirling eyes, black marks on red iris, captured the hapless chunin's gaze. "And you will enjoy it, because **this is the most delicious thing you have ever eaten.** Don't forget to tell your friends!"

And the smile was back as two regulars entered the stand.

"Hello! Same as usual?"

"Yeah, miso for me and pork for him. I dunno what you put in there, but it really hits the spot. I'm gonna be too fat for duty at this rate!"

Teuchi smiled even further, eyes almost disappearing completely. Life was good.

 _A/N: If you haven't read 'Naruto Chinpunde (Teuchi Gaiden)' by Balaah Laith, go do it now. It's a fairly short fan manga (complete at 14 pages), but really funny._


	6. WP 12: Naruto's Dreams Come True

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #12 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 4xjfsq). "_ _Turn an overused cliche that is commonly used in fanfiction into a tragedy."_

"Naruto darling! Look what I found!"

Sakura's voice echoed in the small chamber, and stretched down the corridor to where Naruto was looking through some old scrolls. He dropped them the instant he heard the excitement in Sakura's voice.

As he rushed into the room, he realised it must have been much bigger at some point in the past. Most of it was filled by ice. And in the ice were faint shadows.

"This is amazing. When Uzushiogakure was destroyed, they must have been able to protect themselves down here. Who knows how long they've waited?" Sakura said, sounding as quiet as though they were in a cathedral. "How did you know to come here?"

"I'm not really sure, I guess it was just one of my amazing ideas!" Naruto rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. Sakura walked over and wrapped her arm around him.

"Look! The ice is starting to melt!" And indeed it was. As the water dripped down and ran out of the room along a specially-designed drain, Naruto started to make out individual features. The first was a couple, looking barely older than he was. The man had blond hair that fell in ragged spikes, like his own but longer. The woman had his face, down to the shape of their chins, and long red hair down to her waist.

They fell forward as the ice released its grasp, coughing. The man spoke first. "Naruto?"

"Is that- is that _our son?_ " The woman held her hand to her face, eyes pooling with incredulous tears.

"Mum? Dad? How did you get here? I thought you died in Konoha..." Naruto frowned, puzzled, then shrugged. "Who cares; you're here now and that's all that matters!"

Sakura pulled out two blankets and wrapped them around his parents. "You're in luck - you're here just in time for our wedding!"

* * *

Naruto tossed and turned in his pod, dangling from a huge tree that reached up to the blood-red moon.


	7. WP 13: There Can Only Be One

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #13 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 4ym510). "Naruto's setting wasn't inspired by ninja. Instead, Kishimoto was watching TV and saw a setting he could re-use instead." Minor crossover with the Highlander movie._

Thunder rolled outside the window as Sasuke went through his sword exercises one more time. After three hundred years, he still found it helpful from time to time. Each slash and stab brought to mind all those he'd had to kill, their death cries echoing down through the years. It had been self defense, most of the time, and tonight he'd find out if it was all worth it.

After all, there could only be one.

With a final flourish, Sasuke sheathed his sword. The time and place had been set, and there would be no quarter asked or given. In two hours time he would be victorious or dead. Putting on a long raincoat, he left the small house that had been his home for the last decade or so. He didn't lock the door.

Two lefts and a right took him to the old church. With a flick of a switch, a single bulb cast a harsh glare over the inside. It'd seen better days; the door was almost rotted off its hinges and the pews crumbled at a touch. While Sasuke wasn't a religious man himself, he valued the tradition and connection to the past that such a place should have offered, and he took a moment to apologize silently for what was about to happen in the hallowed hall.

Sasuke heard the footsteps before he saw the man they belonged to. Long black hair, a dark cloak with red clouds. A longsword hung in a loose grip while unnaturally white hands emphasized purple nails. The man was silent, dark eyes probing in a placid face.

Sasuke spoke first, to claim the moment for himself. "I've always dreamed of this moment. I've climbed over a lot of bodies to get here, but I never enjoyed any of the kills. But you - your death will make me complete. I will avenge my family and my home, and finally ascend as the last one standing."

"Come and try."

"You know, I wondered why you did it. Years and years of uncertainty and hate. But I realised something important, Itachi. _It doesn't matter._ I don't need answers from you. I just need your corpse."

This time, his brother wordlessly gestured. Sasuke drew his sword slowly, planning his attack. The pews were between the two of them, but there was an open path down the middle. If he charged then Itachi could dodge or counterattack, while he'd be forced into a choke. To keep space to manoevre, he'd need to go around the side. Or...

Sasuke slowly walked towards Itachi, who kept his calm and relaxed posture. The longsword in his hands turned to point at Sasuke's face, but his own sword - a claymore, with more power but less finesse - was prepared to parry if necessary.

 _You really think that little of me? You'll just let me close_ for free _? You deserve this a hundred times over, you arrogant bastard._ There was barely two yards between the combatants now, and Sasuke focused on the tip of his foe's blade. Nothing could be allowed to distract him, now that victory and death were both almost in arm's reach.

He struck. A probing blow was swiftly deflected, and the followup - a low slash followed by a stab towards the eyes - was dodged easily. Itachi's counterattack hit his crossguard as he stepped forward and pushed the blades against one another, relying on momentum to force Itachi's back against the wall.

"Not so easy now, is it? I'm a fighter, not an old man or a young child! You bastard!" Sasuke's lapse in concentration cost him as Itachi somehow slipped out of the awkward position he'd been in, and backed Sasuke up towards the pews. He kicked out backwards, smashing one to dust and cautiously stepping over it. The ground was slightly slippery, but -

He smashed two more pews and continued backing over them, keeping an arm's length out of Itachi's maximum reach with his longsword. He was still being slowly chased down, but now he had a plan. As Itachi took his first step onto the wood pulp and splinters, Sasuke suddenly charged. Throwing his weight behind his shoulder, he barged into Itachi and knocked him to the floor, following him down as his own foot slipped. His ankle rolled over but he was too full of adrenaline to notice.

Itachi scrambled out of the way of his first two stabs and blocked the third. The fourth took three fingers off his off-hand, along with a ring he'd been wearing.

"Sasuke, listen -" Itachi had to stop talking as Sasuke's attacks redoubled. He smelled blood, a warm heady scent that reached into some deep, long-forgotten part of him. A predator's instincts. His sword swung in wide arcs, fast enough that every parry jarred Itachi's hands. Every near miss cut pieces off his outfit or smashed more of the wooden pews apart. And then Sasuke saw an opening - Itachi's hands were tangled in his cloak for just a second.

It was a bait. He realised it almost as soon as he took it, but by then Itachi had already recovered and the die was cast. A block and a stab and Sasuke had barely managed to avoid a sword through the stomach. There was a cut in his side and he felt a hot stream of blood run down his left leg. He'd just been put back on equal footing, mere seconds after expecting the winning strike.

The two exchanged blows for another minute, trying to tire the other out. Itachi had wrapped his hand in cloth, while Sasuke did his best to avoid pulling his side wound open further. Blood drops covered the ground, and the church looked more like the site of a pagan sacrifice than anything else.

It was time to end it. There was one trick Sasuke had hoped to avoid, but it was all that he could do now. He was becoming slower, and even his thoughts were sluggish. If he didn't win soon, he wouldn't be able to continue fighting at all.

He didn't block the next stab and the blade ran all the way through his stomach. He grabbed Itachi's arm, holding him in place, and with a single one-handed swing took his head off. The look of surprise frozen on Itachi's face was worth every inch of bare steel currently sat inside his intestines, he thought, as he fell forward. A small yellow slip of paper caught his eye, and he grabbed it before it could be stained red.

 _If you're reading this, I am dead. There is one other man who has yet to be killed. You may know his name; he is from the same family. You know what I did; I couldn't have done it alone. One man against a whole clan is impossible. But two men, who both know the place inside and out, can manage it. Uchiha Madara is alive and massacred half the clan. He_

Sasuke stopped reading, tears streaming down his face. After so long, and so much work, to learn that there was still more to do? Another murderer to bring to justice, another relative who had the blood of his family on his hands?

Slowly, Sasuke straightened up and pulled out the longsword. A cold smile settled on his face. There was another man out there, who had no idea that Sasuke knew of him. He'd find out.

After all, there could only be one.


	8. WP 16: Kuchiyose-no-Jutsu

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #16-ish, as we've stopped counting them properly (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 51995t). "While trying to create summoning contracts for themselves, the brightest of Konoha smudged some lines and their contracts went wrong."_

 _Some suggestive themes._

* * *

Naruto drew the last line, flourishing his brush after he was done. "There we go! That's contract number nine, so we should have one each."

Shikamaru ambled over and looked at it. "It's good. No mistakes on any of them - I'm impressed, Naruto," he said, before gesturing for the rest of the Rookie Nine to join them.

"Now, does everyone remember how to do this?" Sasuke asked. "Each scroll has a different animal, and we don't know which is which yet - that's why we need to try them. But if we successfully create even a single new working summoning contract, it's a huge advantage for the summoner as well as the rest of Konoha. So sign your name, and try the contract out."

Naruto was balancing a huge pot of ink on his forehead, walking back and forth with his hands outstretched. The nine scrolls were neatly lined up next to him. Just then, a loud barking made everyone turn away. Akamaru had tried to eat a chakra-using spider, and now it had tied his mouth shut. Kiba rushed over and Naruto almost - almost! - dropped his paint can. Unnoticed by anyone, a few droplets splashed out and onto Naruto's coat, the grass... and the scrolls.

Shikamaru clapped once, drawing everyone's attention back to him. "Let's hurry things along a bit and get these signed before a problem happens. Pick a random scroll, and remember that it _doesn't_ matter which one you choose, as we don't know what they do yet, except that they should summon a particular species of animal."

After a quick shoving match between Ino and Sakura, and Hinata grabbing the scroll next to Naruto's, all nine ninja were ready.

"As the only one here who's seen a summoning contract used up close, I'm going to go first," Naruto declared. He demonstrated the necessary seals twice, slowly, before running through them at full speed. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

A puff of smoke enveloped Naruto, to reveal...

Naruto. Sitting instead of standing, but otherwise identical. "So," he called, standing up again, "did it work? I definitely felt something."

"Idiot. Let me show you how it's done." Sasuke summoned an even bigger cloud of smoke. When it cleared, he stood opposite a face out of his nightmares. Well, not quite - there were two rather large and significant additions.

"Foolish little brother," Itachi Uchiha's voice rang out, at a higher pitch than usual. "So you think you have hated me strongly enough? Let me show you how... Are you even paying attention?"

Everyone else was watching with bated breath from behind some nearby bushes. Screw standing in front of Itachi 'walking genocide' Uchiha, the most feared and hated man in all of Fire Country. Although it seemed that last title would have to be revised.

Itachi grabbed his - _her_ \- younger brother and leapt away.

"What the fuck?"

"Did you see that?"

"Did that just _actually_ happen?"

"ENOUGH!" Shino's voice broke through the shocked babble. "It's clear that these scrolls, for whatever reason, are malfunctioning. I recommend we do not - goddammit Kiba!"

As another cloud of smoke cleared, Kiba was sat on top of a strange plant. It was made up of two-thirds flower and one-third strange stringy stalk, and the flower's petals were huge and fleshy. That wasn't the most immediately noticeable thing about it, though.

"Fucking hell, Kiba, have you stopped showering again?" Surprisingly enough it was Hinata that burst out with _that_ particular comment, although judging by the expressions the gathered ninja were wearing it was a question on everyone's minds. The smell in the clearing was absolutely awful.

Kiba was grinning. "Smells just like dinner!"

"I'm going to try to summon some air freshener. It's not any more unlikely than any of the other summons we've had so far," Shikamaru said. He went through the handseals and produced the smallest amount of smoke yet. Sat in front of him was a smouldering cigarette butt. " _Of course._ "

Shino shrugged and tried his out too. It seemed like the thing to do, after all. Hinata followed his lead a moment later. While she received a handful of random junk - coins, a crumpled receipt, some gum and a key - he quickly covered a large stack of lesbian scat pornography magazines.

"You will never mention this to _anyone_." A cloud of insects swarmed ominously around him, and the killing intent coming off him in waves was cold and dark, like the depths of the ocean.

Turning away with a squeak and bright red cheeks, Sakura started her own summoning. Ino, not wanting to be left behind, did the same. There was a squelching sound, and each of them was suddenly sitting in front of half of a person, who'd been split down the middle. It had separated his clothes, too, as well as the strange spiral mask with one eye-hole he'd been wearing.

Sakura screamed and punted her half over the treeline and into the forest. Ino, not to be outdone, picked hers up and hurled it in the same direction. Two muffled thumps marked the final disappearance of the stranger, whoever he'd been.

Shikamaru looked at Choji. "Your turn now, I guess. What a bother."

"Let's hope it's not another cigarette or something," Choji said. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

A man wearing a blue polo shirt and beige shorts stood in front of him. "-big guy," he finished saying, before looking around in shock. "Where'd he go?"

Choji punched him hard enough to splatter blood across half the clearing. "I'm not big, I'm _fat_!" he roared. "Wait no - shit - I meant that the other way around - ah, hell. I'm gonna go and eat. Who wants to come?"

The remaining Rookie Eight followed his lead. When an Akamichi goes out to eat, you _know_ it's going to be good. As they sat around a table loaded with enough food that it bent in the middle, Naruto turned to Sakura. "I wonder what Sasuke's up to right now?"

* * *

Elsewhere, a very confused Sasuke looked at a very confused Itachi. "So, if you're from a parallel world, does that mean we're technically not related?" he asked hopefully. "Because in that case, it wouldn't be weird if..."

Itachi stabbed him.

* * *

A/N: I quite enjoyed writing this. The scrolls are as follows:

Naruto summons himself

Sasuke summons fem!Itachi from a world with exactly one gender swap (i.e. an Itachi who also has a brother)

Kiba summons a Rafflesia, also called a Corpse plant, which is known for its awful smell that's a lot like rotting flesh.

Shikamaru summons Asuma's cigarettes.

Hinata summons the stuff that always disappears from your pockets, even though you're sure you put it there just a moment ago.

Shino summons someone's secret (and embarrassing) porn stash.

Sakura and Ino both summon Uchiha, and as they tried to summon the strongest one at the same time they accidentally killed Tobi.

Choji summons the CIA agent from the start of _The Dark Knight Rises_.


	9. WP 17: Pity Party

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #17 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 51sgf4). "_ _A character(s) of your choice has had a really shitty day, and now they're pitying themselves or trying to complain to someone else._ _"_

"Another!" Asuma called out to the bartender. He downed the shot in a single gulp, then balanced the empty glass on the tip of a kunai. It didn't wobble.

"Another!" This time, there was a faint tremble.

"Another!" Asuma wanted to get drunk enough to forget what had happened today. Part of that involved being too drunk to stand; at least, that was the tradition. Too drunk to balance a glass on a knife tip was about five shots before that. He heard another ninja settle into the seat next to him, and turned towards him, blinking through bleary eyes.

Towards her, rather. "Kurenai," he started, "you would not believe what a shit day I've had. This morning, I had three genin make it through the second round of the Chunin Exams - my _rookie_ genin – and now, the only one who's left is a right lazy ass, who I have to train for a whole bloody month.

"I swear, I shouldn't have drawn a penis on that shrine that one time. Come on, spirits, I was nine years old and it was pretty funny!" Asuma downed another shot. "Whole bloody universe has it out for me, I tell you. Choji's the only one who can wrangle Shikamaru into training, and not only do I have to take him out for a meal, which is right expensive, but he's going to be learning clan techniques for the next month so I'll be alone with Shikamaru."

The bar was swimming into and out of focus, but on one of the trips to a more lucid state, Asuma noticed the growing pile of empty shots in front of Kurenai. "What's wrong with you today? Normally you have one beer and go home to sleep it off."

"What's wrong? _What's wrong?_ Oh, nothing, really. I mean, it's not as if I saw my student almost get _murdered_ today, is it?" Kurenai's voice was higher than usual, and a faint trace of madness swam just under the surface. _Hysterical_ , Asuma decided, was the best word to describe it. "What a prick! Neji just up and tries to kill my student right in front of me, over a possible promotion. She's still in the hospital, and he doesn't even get punished. He's going through to the next round after intentionally putting another Konoha student in the hospital!"

"That sounds like a, like a, wossname, tapestry, _tragedy_ ," Asuma slurred. "Another!" He slowly slid into Kurenai as they both wobbled on their chairs. Soon, they were snoring in a corner after the barkeep decided (very reasonably) that waking them up in this state might be a bad idea.

Guy sat up in the rafters, trying to choke the life out of one of his nunchucks. It wasn't actually alive, which made the task quite a bit harder, but if he kept wringing it for long enough he just might manage it anyway. His eyes were shut but there were still tears running down his face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kakashi dangled head-down from the roof, face mere inches from Guy's.

"She deserves your help," he replied, gesturing down at Kurenai as she muttered to herself in her sleep. Asuma unconsciously shifted to hold her in his arms. At any other time, Kakashi would have taken pictures but right now it would have been an insult, not a joke. "I don't. It's _my_ student that went wrong, and I don't know what I could have done to stop him."

"But you _did_ stop him in the end. That's what matters. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like you're in a much worse position than Kurenai right now. She has pretty much every jonin-sensei behind here, while you're going to be an outcast." _Well, even more of an outcast than usual,_ Kakashi thought but didn't say. He handed down a bottle of rice wine. "Here, have a drink, and tell me about Neji."

"He's a good kid, most of the time. Got the shit end of the stick," Guy paused to take a deep pull from the bottle, "family-wise, I mean. His mother died in childbirth, his father was a scapegoat, and his uncle is from the main branch. He doesn't understand that the point of the seal is to protect him – it's not a coincidence that Hinata has had at least one kidnapping attempt per year since she was born, and he's had exactly zero. Exactly _because_ nobody can take his eyes."

"So family issues, a lot of low-level hate at the world, and a relative who he can direct the whole roiling mass of emotions at? Sounds pretty familiar," Kakashi said. "If it helps, I don't really have any advice I can give."

Guy laughed bitterly. "Yeah, isn't that the truth. Nobody knows what the fuck to do with people like that. You just hope eventually they grow out of it. And once again, you, along with the rest of the world, forgot about Lee. You don't think I've heard what people say? 'Cripple,' they call him. 'Pathetic', 'loser', 'not a _real_ ninja'. Now he's in hospital and might never walk again, and people are still talking about Neji."

The empty wine bottle smashed to pieces as Guy gripped too hard, sending shards showering down over an empty table. Guy wordlessly took the second bottle Kakashi offered him. "I envy you, you know. Your little clone doesn't hurt you the way mine does. Lee tries so hard, and every time he fails, a little piece of me dies with him. Sasuke just wins. He's gonna pull some bullshit with his eyes and beat Gaara, and Lee will be forgotten. Again."

Kakashi's single eye narrowed, but Guy continued talking, oblivious. "Your three genin go up against Zabuza, of all people, while you're trapped in a water prison, and trick him into freeing you. They outwitted one of Kiri's most feared missing-nin, and then afterwards you put him in the ground. Meanwhile the rest of us are worried about losing a student from something stupid like a poisonous animal bite or a training accident. What's it like being so-"

Guy flew through the air and wall, crashing to the ground outside the pub. Kakashi jumped down in front of him and hit him again, leaving a furrow in the earth where Guy's face had dragged through the dirt road. His voice was ice cold and his left hand kept twitching towards his kunai pouch.

"Boo fucking hoo, your team isn't conjuring up miracles like they're some sort of ninja messiahs. Sasuke would be dead right now if Zabuza's pet killer hadn't had some weird neuroses. Naruto has the _single most destructive force_ _currently alive_ inside his stomach. Today I found out Sasuke, who by the way _wants to hunt down and kill possibly the single strongest missing-nin in the world_ , had a weird seal put on him by another candidate for 'strongest missing-nin in the world'. You might have heard of him before - Snake summoner? Ex-student of the Sandaime? Also, he wants to get Sasuke to defect from Konoha, he beat the shit out of my team before sending in goons who luckily botched killing two invalids and an injured genin, and now Sasuke has to fight the monster that almost killed Lee. Lee being the guy who punted Sasuke into the ground less than a week ago, using the first of *five* gates; you know, the gates that still didn't get Gaara?

"Neji almost killed Hinata, and would have done if you hadn't interfered, because she refused to give up. Now he's going against Naruto, who he also has a grudge against. Do you think _he's_ going to back down? I have two potential funerals to plan for, and even if they both live shit is still pretty shitty. I can't even afford to train Naruto, because he's only got a small chance of dying while Sasuke, right now, is a near-certain corpse."

Asuma and Kurenai staggered out of the pub, supporting each other. Asuma was trying to clap but kept missing his hands. He slurred something unrecognisable, and Kurenai translated for him. "You win, Kakashi. You've had the shittiest day of all." Guy nodded weakly from where Kakashi realised he'd grabbed him by the vest and was shouting in his face.

"Alright then," he said, suddenly calm again. He gestured with one hand, holding onto Guy with the other. "Who wants another drink?"


	10. WP 18: Make Konoha Great Again

_A/N:_ _Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #18 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash_ _52q0uz_ _). "Danzo goes full Trump in Konoha."_

 _I'm British, not American, so I have a different perspective to anyone actually voting in the US elections._

-O-

"I'm telling you, we need to make Konoha great again." Danzo's voice echoed from the ANBU escort taking the deranged man to the cells. "I don't know what's wrong with you people, but I'm a successful businessman and a law-abiding citizen. You can't arrest me!"

Hiruzen sighed. "Is he still sticking to his story? That he just woke up here in Danzo's body, but he's actually from a foreign country?"

Koharu nodded, eyes cold. "Whatever he's playing at, it's too dangerous. We can't risk any instability right now. Lock him up until he comes to his senses, I say."

"That sounds reasonable," Homura agreed. "Maybe the stress just got to him."

-O-

Danzo pressed up against the bars of his prison cell. "Listen to me! You have to listen to me! We need to build a wall!"

-O-

The ANBU mess hall was unusually busy. A group in one corner were quietly discussing something, drawing more and more people into their conversation over time. "He says that all the experts agree with him. You need to listen to him talk, he says it better than I do. We'll go back to the good old days, when Konoha was the strongest village!"

"Isn't it still the strongest village?"

"Yeah, but back then it was better."

"But we live longer now, and we have to take fewer dangerous missions, and the medical care is better, and we have more money and a better lifestyle."

"That's not the _point_ , though. Just come and listen to him, you'll see reason."

-O-

Danzo faced the crowd of featureless masks. "We're losing. We're losing to Kumo, to Iwa, hell, we're even losing to Kiri. We have to fix this. We _can_ fix this."

"How?" one of the ANBU asked him.

"You listen to me, and I'll tell you. We need to fix this and to do that we need a plan – we need the best plan. And we _have_ the best plan. Ask anyone, they'll tell you – I make the best plans. My plans are the best, and I have one that will fix this."

Approving nods filled the room.

"And we'll build a wall to keep out Suna. Suna isn't all bad, of course – I never said they were all bad, because they're not. But the good Suna ninja aren't coming here. The good Suna ninja are happy in Suna. They're sending the bad Suna ninja, because the good ones don't want to leave – and why would they? They're happy there. They're sending the thieves, the murderers, the rapists – and some, I assume, are decent."

More nods.

"And here's the best part – the best part, I tell you. It's the very best part, and everyone agrees with me, you just ask them and they'll tell you – Danzo has great plans, but the best part is – well I'll tell you the best part. We'll make Suna pay for it. My friend Tobirama – you know Tobirama, the second Hokage – he said to me, and he'll tell anyone, you just ask him and he'll say the same thing he said to me, that Suna will pay for a wall."

Scattered applause.

"I mean, we have all the cards. I'm telling you – and you know it – that we have the advantage. We have a Biju – we have the best Biju. It's true! Don't let anyone tell you it's not true. We have the best Biju, and what's the point of a Biju if you don't use it?"

-O-

Three months later Hiruzen sat staring at the hordes of rioters in the streets, and the massive Doton wall blocking the way to Suna. "Fuck all this," he said, and burned Konoha to the ground.


	11. WP 19: I can't believe it's not better

_A/N: Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #_ _19_ _(you can see the other entries at_ _redd dot it slash 537uup). "The Eye of the Moon plan is complete, but didn't work properly. A character of your choice is in an almost-perfect but flawed world."_

-O-

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke ran. From behind him, his father's voice echoed, although it was strangely slurred. He carefully avoided looking at the face of his aunt as he jumped over her head, dodging her outstretched arms. At least she couldn't see him, due to the blood sheeting down over her face.

As he skidded round the corner of his old home, Itachi landed next to him.

"Relax, Sasuke, I'm not one of them," he said. His two short swords were red. "They don't stay down, no matter what. Do you know what's causing this?"

Sasuke rammed a Chidori through his brother's heart, extending it into a sword and cutting off Itachi's hands before they could grab onto his legs. He kept running frantically, not daring to look back at the shambling corpse. He formed some handseals and leapt up, catching an updraft on the back of his summoned hawk. As he soared into the sky, he looked for the edges of the Uchiha district so he could hopefully escape into Konoha.

There was no village boundary as far as the eye could see. The Hokage mountain, at least, should have been easily visible from here, but there was nothing. Sasuke spotted his own house in the distance. Experimentally, he threw a fireball at it, engulfing it fully. As the smoke cleared, his Sharingan could make out the ashes and charred stones that were all that remained. And then a hand reached out of the rubble, and his mother's body pulled itself up. It reached into the hole it had escaped from and pulled out his father as well, although both were so blackened by fire that they looked almost identical.

Below him, his house still stood.

Sasuke swore and urged his hawk higher. As it reached for the open sky, he realised with horror that the updraft he'd been riding had reversed direction and was pushing him back down to earth. It was much stronger than any natural wind.

"Obito, you absolute fool," he whispered. His greatest hope, his most secret desire - to have his family alive again - had been interpreted as this complete mockery of what he'd once had. As his family reached for him with grasping hands that still held grave-dirt under the nails, he drew his sword and prepared to kill them all himself.

The first cut was exactly the same as he'd seen in Itachi's Tsukuyomi, neatly bisecting one of his cousins. The detached arm and shoulder still tried to move towards him and he stamped on it, crushing it under his heel. The wave of bodies moving towards him were blasted back by a huge wave of compressed air, and he hurled a string of small fireballs after them. That should buy him some time, he thought.

Sasuke tried to focus, but the whispers and mutters of 'Sasuke/son/brother/cousin/nephew' from all sides were impossible to block out. He parted the earth beneath him, trying to dig out, but after a dozen feet he broke through into yet another Uchiha district.

Sasuke's fear and anger faded. He was alone again for a moment, and relaxed, suddenly wondering how he'd got from the battlefield to his old home. His memory was blank from the moment that Obito had attempted to activate the Eye of the Moon plan.

A low moan made Sasuke spin around, hand on his sword's grip.

Behind him stood Fugaku Uchiha, hands clasped behind his back and blood running down his chest and stomach from the stab wound that had killed him. Sasuke realised with horror what had happened.

"Sasuke!"

Sasuke ran.


	12. WP 21: Aftermath

_A/N:_ _Written for the /r/NarutoFanfiction writing prompt challenge #18 (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash_ _55mzto). "Naruto loses control under the influence of the Kyuubi's chakra and accidentally kills Sasuke."_

-O-

Naruto stumbled back, staring with wide eyes at the bloody pulp that used to be his best friend. He threw his head back and screamed, and the red chakra that had just retreated burst out again. One, two, three tails danced at his back as he turned back towards Konoha. He tore through the forests and fields, revenge the only thing on his mind.

The first thing they noticed was the sound - a horrible, high-pitched keening that set nerves on edge and made even seasoned veterans look around in fear. The second thing they noticed was an explosion ripping apart the thick walls. And with that, an oppressive chakra that was last felt thirteen years before was back.

Wave upon wave of shinobi threw themselves at the beast, returned once more from their deepest nightmares. There were no bodies - anything the Kyuubi's chakra touched was scorched away. In the end, it took two of the Sannin working together and the death of Danzo Shimura to destroy the vessel and seal the Kyuubi away once more.

Whispers of what had happened soon spread. Madness, some called it - to snap so thoroughly from the death of a friend was rare indeed in the shinobi world, where retiring at forty was considered a long and successful career. Love, others said, for that was not uncommon amongst genin teams. Hate, still more people claimed. And would it not be fitting that a creature of hate, sealed in hate, was called forth once more for the same reason?

Nobody mentioned the two other most famous Konoha traitors. Some names held too much weight, even years afterwards, to be used lightly, or at all.

Neverthelss, two weeks later, Itachi Uchiha entered Konohagakure. He killed the guards protecting the new jinchuriki and set the Kyuubi loose again. There weren't enough defenders to handle it, and soon trails of civilians were desperately fleeing the ruins of their old homes, running for the treeline as behind them Konoha burned. Jiraiya fell first, and Tsunade followed him soon after, in a desperate rearguard action.

-O-

"...and so I came here," the shadowy figure finished its report. "I know that it wasn't what you had planned to happen after the defection, but I hope you are satisfied nevertheless."

"Oh yesss," Orochimaru hissed. "I am very... satisfied. You have done well, Sasuke."

"It was easy. Naruto never did manage to figure out how to break genjutsu." Sasuke smiled, malice to rival Orochimaru's glinting in his eyes.


	13. WP 25: Laundry Day

_A/N: For Writing Prompt #25 on /r/NarutoFanfiction (you can see the other entries at redd dot it slash 5agvt4). "Write about a Ninja that completely fails at doing something basic."_

-O-

"Wow, Naruto, I can't believe you convinced Sasuke to come back!" Sakura said, bursting into the crowded bar. Naruto grinned at her, eyes sliding in and out of focus. There was a pile of empty bottles behind him, and around him Asuma's, Kurenai's and Guy's teams (minus Lee, of course) were slumped over.

"Hey, Sakura," he slurred. "Come join me. We're cebe- celel- being happy about it! But they're a bunch of lightweights."

Sakura took one look at the pile of inebriated ninja, and shook her head. "I think you've celebrated quite enough. Come on, let's get you home." She lifted Naruto onto one shoulder and slowly hauled him out the door. Luckily, they weren't far from Naruto's small flat. For a short guy, he was quite heavy, and he'd fallen asleep almost as soon as she picked him up. Sakura would be lying if she claimed to not be curious what his living arrangements were like - she'd never been invited inside, after all. She spotted the peeling orange paint on his door and fished around in his pockets for his key.

As Sakura unlocked the door and carried Naruto inside, the smell hit her like a punch to the face. Everywhere she looked, piles of unwashed laundry were stacked to the ceiling. There was a winding path through the towers of dirty clothes that led to a bed, but she followed a different route and dumped Naruto's head in his sink instead. Sakura derived a certain pleasure from turning the cold tap onto full blast.

Naruto sputtered awake, wet hair clinging to his scalp. He glared at Sakura until he realised where they were.

"Explain," Sakura snapped at him. "What's with this mess?"

He turned bloodshot eyes to her, slumping back against the wall. He appeared to have sobered up a bit, but she could see how he leant against the wall for support. "It all started when we were newly put onto Team Seven. I had an old washing machine that had the same marking on it as all of Sasuke's shirts - the Uchiha mark, although I didn't know it at the time."

In the corner, almost hidden under yet more dirty laundry, were several washing machines. Sakura spotted the Uchiha crest stamped onto the largest one. It had a single round opening and a single button.

"After the Wave mission, my washing machine broke down. I asked Sasuke if he could hook me up with a new one, but he told me that the Uchiha stopped making them. He came and fixed it for me though, and he told me that repairing it requires a Sharingan. It's a great machine - you just dump clothes in and they come out clean and dry.

"And then it broke down again, and Sasuke left, and I tried to get him back and it didn't work, and I didn't know what to do."

Sakura realised she had her head in her hands. "And what happened next?"

"I got a new washing machine, but I couldn't get it to work. So I knew what I had to do. Sasuke needed to come back so I could once again use the automatic washing machine." Naruto scowled, face set in unyielding lines. Sakura shivered.

"Luckily, I went on a trip with Jiraiya for a bit, and he took care of the laundry while we were gone. But once I got back, I was on a timer. I can't afford to keep buying new clothes, and I've run out of places to put them. But I can't get any other washing machine to work. There's so many buttons and things! And sometimes you have to put extra stuff in them!

"But now, at last, I am successful. My washing machine will be repaired and at last I'll be free - free of this burden - and able to achieve my second goal of becoming Hokage!" Naruto grinned, and it was like the sun coming up.

"So you brought Sasuke back because you don't know how to work a normal washing machine?" Sakura grinned too, and it was nothing like the sun coming up. It was a deranged, feral sort of snarl that any rabid tiger would have been proud to call their own.

Naruto frantically backpedalled. "Oh no! Not at all! It's just, um, a silver lining. Yes, exactly! A silver lining to the real reason, which was friendship and teamwork." He nodded sagely.

Twenty minutes later, Sakura was sat in a busy bar. There was a much larger pile of empty bottles behind her, and around her Asuma's, Kurenai's and Guy's teams (minus Lee, of course) were slumped over.


End file.
